to have or to be.

(I wrote this post the day before I finally end my relationship)

It's been two weeks and might still counting, been habitual for me without you, and it has essentially taught me things for stepping a whole new level on my maturity process. Alhamdulillah Allah gives me another chance to learn, and above everything, to be myself the way I really am (all over again).

I finally have the ability to recall how strong and how amazing I am, remember how to spread my wings and learn to fly again. I feel like a feather now, light and has no fear of falling, cause wind will take me fly again anytime soon.

I remember the day when we haven't known each other well, how we saw each other's strong and pure personality. How I saw you that way and how you saw me this way. And as years gone by we forgot how "to be" us and only know how "to have" us. And it polluted us. I'm corrupted. There was even a point when I could say "seriously I'm not this kind of girl. This girl’s sick, I’m only playing her freakin role. This is not me. I'm strong and I'm no drama-queen", that happened when I've been so demanding, ask you to do this and to be that, to go here and to be there bla bla blah.. Mostly caused by my freaking expectation and ego.

So then you took a very hard step which turned out to be the only way to purify us all over again. I had no clue at all and it was hurtful, I cried much, slept with mama & papa, had no appetite at all and sick. Now this is all make sense: "I need to take space, and one of its essential reason is because I love you, Fara", despite the fact that you had a big problem in your life, I take a blessing in disguise. I feel blessed.

I'm happy and what makes me even happier is the fact that I'm happy because of my own self, not depend on the act of other person. I’m not saying this is easy and yes, I still need lots of practice to be perfectly okay.

Well, thank you. Thank you dear God, You know how much I learn from this. You work in the most mysterious way. And I finally arrived in this point where I can smile wisely and look back with no anger at all, and have no worry of what tomorrow will bring. I'm ready.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah.
Sincerely,
Fara Ramadhina