screw you.

the moment I try to put myself altogether to stand up again,

the moment I almost safely landed at a certain point of maturity,

that's the moment I fully understand what exactly going on.

"real eyes realize real lies."

agaetis byrjun

"......

padamu wahai sang pelantun malam,
izinkan ia pulang dan tetap menyanyikan lagu yang sama ketika terang akan padam.
padamu wahai sang penenun terang,
doakan ia tiba dan tetap menjalin menyulam jiwa yang sama ketika terang terlalu benderang.

tanpa untaian seluruh rasa yang menjadi kata hingga terbata,
aku hanya bersedia ia pulang dengan selalu menjadi ia."

the idea of perfection?

"pure honest love wanting nothing in return."

I'm sorry guys at some points on my journey with Robie, I forgot this mantra. I'm sorry I forgot to be pure, and so it has to be ended. I really am sorry. I feel like it's my failure, seeing you guys asking with no acceptance of the truth. Feeling the disappointment came up on your face. Heard the words form Bella "ya ampun! semakin pupus aja harapan gw tentang hubungan yang ideal! :(" and saw the teary eyes of Cindy (seriously she looked like on her way to cry) "how could it be?! I look up to you and it all has to be ended??" I'm sorry guys I can't make it, I’m sorry for ruining your visible idea of perfection.

But one thing I need you to know that perfection comes with obstacles, and it actually about how I see life and especially relationship with a clearer view now, how I see that "to be pure is everything you need to fight for" not "to have him/to hold on a relationship which corrupt you", no it's not. It's about how I learn, how I forgive, and how I promise myself I won't make the same mistake ever again. I call it maturity, and that's my idea of perfection.

For me, that's what precious, for I've finally safely landed at this point, and to be on this point I need to go thru a very bad turbulence in my flight. Life’s best lessons are learned at the worst times. I don't do regular, I challenged, I beat it, and I learn to be stronger than ever. Let's see how many question I'll do well and how many wrong answer will teach me more.

I'm sorry guys for being disappointing,
but really thank God for letting me landed at the point where I can see things differently.
Warm hugs,
Fara Ramadhina

it's robie

and so the story came into a finish.

he has been one of the greatest teachers in my life.

to have or to be.

(I wrote this post the day before I finally end my relationship)

It's been two weeks and might still counting, been habitual for me without you, and it has essentially taught me things for stepping a whole new level on my maturity process. Alhamdulillah Allah gives me another chance to learn, and above everything, to be myself the way I really am (all over again).

I finally have the ability to recall how strong and how amazing I am, remember how to spread my wings and learn to fly again. I feel like a feather now, light and has no fear of falling, cause wind will take me fly again anytime soon.

I remember the day when we haven't known each other well, how we saw each other's strong and pure personality. How I saw you that way and how you saw me this way. And as years gone by we forgot how "to be" us and only know how "to have" us. And it polluted us. I'm corrupted. There was even a point when I could say "seriously I'm not this kind of girl. This girl’s sick, I’m only playing her freakin role. This is not me. I'm strong and I'm no drama-queen", that happened when I've been so demanding, ask you to do this and to be that, to go here and to be there bla bla blah.. Mostly caused by my freaking expectation and ego.

So then you took a very hard step which turned out to be the only way to purify us all over again. I had no clue at all and it was hurtful, I cried much, slept with mama & papa, had no appetite at all and sick. Now this is all make sense: "I need to take space, and one of its essential reason is because I love you, Fara", despite the fact that you had a big problem in your life, I take a blessing in disguise. I feel blessed.

I'm happy and what makes me even happier is the fact that I'm happy because of my own self, not depend on the act of other person. I’m not saying this is easy and yes, I still need lots of practice to be perfectly okay.

Well, thank you. Thank you dear God, You know how much I learn from this. You work in the most mysterious way. And I finally arrived in this point where I can smile wisely and look back with no anger at all, and have no worry of what tomorrow will bring. I'm ready.

Alhamdulillah wa syukurillah.
Sincerely,
Fara Ramadhina